Thank you note

Dear Dad,


In light of everything going on, I realized that people often take for granted the people closest to them. Watching you be so strong makes me want to be a better person so I can be as good as you. I wanted to thank you for everything that I may have forgotten to say thank you for over the years. I love you dad :)

Thank you for taking me to my swim lessons when I was little, it really paved the way for several summers of life guarding and high school swim team. Thanks for "teaching" me and Elizabeth Pfeifer how to drive by letting us sit on your lap and steer in the old Acura. Even though I complained, thank you for making me listen to Breakfast with the Beatles when we were going to McDonald's. I happen to love the Beatles now, so for that i blame you :) Thanks for putting those neon pegs on my bike and for teaching me how to ride like the wind. Thanks for signing me up for softball even when i didn't know which side was left field, and even more so, thanks for being a great coach for so many years. Playing catch on Wetumka was the best! Thanks for signing me up for bowling and for getting me cheese fries. Thanks for sewing on my Girl Scout patches. You really were the only dad that did that I think. Thank you for my love of the Cubs, and I really do think that this year is their year! Thanks for taking me to that Bears game when I was little, even though I'm pretty sure I cried. haha. Thank you for checking my closet to make sure Slimer wasn't in there, and any one else that the Ghost busters may have missed. Thank you for teaching me about hard work, without which, I wouldn't have gotten my first job at 14. Thank you for attending softball games, swim meets, choir concerts and musicals I was ever in. It's always nice to have people cheer you on. Thanks for not killing any of my high school boyfriends even though I know you wanted to several times over. Thank you for always being the peacemaker and the voice of reason. Your moral compass always faces due North and its admirable. Thanks for leading the pack in driving me to Western for freshman year. I still say we could've made it there faster :) Thanks for taking in Tigger when he got kicked out of the dorms. Sorry he is such a brat now. Thanks for all those Sigma weekends you came for. More so, thanks for not getting mad when I yelled at that girl for hitting on you! Or when I yelled at that guy for hitting on mom! Thanks for not freaking out when I turned down the reporter job to do something else. I needed WIU and the Arizona internship to see what I really wanted. Thanks for making sure you called even if we were fighting. I know I'm not always the most level headed, but at least you make me realize that. Thanks for not thinking I'm crazy when I do crazy things like get a tattoo randomly, or my tongue pierced. Or even move in with my boyfriend when I've only been dating him 6 months, or even when I move across the country with him because "its time for a change." Thank you for showing me that even though tough times happen, it's all about the overcoming of them. You are a hero to me dad. Your strength is unmatched as is your amazing attitude. Thank you for everything I mentioned, and for the billions of things I may not have. Thank you for being you. I love you dad.

Little White Lies

Omissions are betrayals. I am a firm believer in this. Lying has never been my thing. Trust me, I've tried, but it's just not something I'm good at. I try to be upfront and honest at all times. I usually forget that not everyone acts the same way I do. While I do not expect everyone I interact with to be forthcoming and open, I do expect it of the people I care about.

You know what they say about assuming things...

Saying that I've had a lot on my mind the last few months would be a gross understatement. I clearly have more than I can handle which is proved by the sporadic crying and random sadness. If this was 8 months ago I'd be on my balcony with a pack of Camels and a bottle of white. I am happy to report that I haven't practiced that type of behavior in months.

I'm not a religious person but I'm having a huge crisis of faith. Faith in mankind that is. I understand that people tell little white lies to protect others, however, if you get caught its a mute point. I caught someone in a lie yesterday. A lie that may not be important to some, but to me it means everything. They were trying to protect me, but instead it makes me look at the bigger picture. Is this just one of many lies? Is this one bigger or smaller than the possible rest? I have no way of knowing, and after yesterday, I have no way of believing what you say anyway.

I agreed to come to Seattle because I wasn't the happiest in Chicago. Now I'm not the happiest here because I can't tell real from fake. I feel like I don't belong anywhere and it's a lonely place to be. Then again, why be scared of being alone? The people that hurt me are the people that "love me most."

Yesterday

I dreamt last night that I was sitting in my parents basement when my dad started calling for me. I heard him, but I couldn't find him. He was saying that he loved me and that he was sorry. I kept screaming "where are you?" but he ignored what I was asking.

My alarm clock went off about then.

My dad always feels better in the morning so I thought with the time difference, it'd probably be a good time to catch him. My mom told me the other day that a strange side effects of my dad's radiation treatments are heightened emotions. I had never heard of that before, and I almost thought she was overreacting until my dad answered the phone.

The minute I said 'hello" he started crying. He said he was watching Good Morning America and they were talking about the recent shooting in Arizona. "All these horrible things are going on in the world" he sobbed. I tried to joke that I hated Good Morning America too...he didn't catch my joke. He took it seriously and it made him cry more. When he calmed down he said he was sorry that we didn't talk yesterday but with the times of treatments combined with our time difference, it made it tough. I know that he's better in the morning and I told him that's why I wanted to catch him now because it's worse at night.

"It doesn't mean I'm a bad person. I'm not. It just hurts worse at night." it killed me that my dad felt the need to honestly explain to me that he's not a bad person. He also kept apologizing for talking slow and sometimes losing his train of thought. I honestly don't think he understands that we will deal with whatever we have to. We just want him to be ok.

My mom got on the phone after so my dad could eat breakfast. We talked for maybe a minute before I heard mumbling in the background. Apparently my dad tried stirring his breakfast on the stove while the fire was on. No big deal. All I heard was my mom- " Mark, it's ok. No. No Mark, you're not an idiot. It's going to be ok."

This just isn't like him...

"Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday."

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Seattle in the summer. So beautiful

I wanted to start this by saying thank you. Over the last month there has been so much generosity shown to me and my family. We have received the most thoughtful cards in the mail, messages and phone calls and we couldn't appreciate it more.

I haven't been reaching out to many people myself, but I am so incredibly grateful that if I need anything, I have so many wonderful people to turn to. If you sent me a message that I haven't been able to respond to, please know that I am touched by your kindness. This is the hardest thing we've ever been through, and it's so comforting to know that people are thinking about us.

My dad is home from the hospital which is where he wants to be. He has started chemo and radiation and has been lucky to not feel the side effects yet other than being tired. The cancer is in his lung, liver and on his spine causing him to wear a neck brace at all times. I spoke to him yesterday to check in- his voice sounds weak from treatments, but he no longer sounds angry. He still references the bull that Casey told me to give him as his mascot through this. "We will fight this head on."

My grandma told me that while my dad was in the hospital he told the nurses who served him breakfast that he "promised his oldest daughter that he'd only eat organic." It feels good to know that while I wasn't able to talk to him, he was thinking about me. He reassured me that he's staying on the organic diet and taking the vitamin C supplements we gave him. Every little bit helps and apparently organic bacon tastes SO much better than the old kind :) I know he's doing everything he can to get through this.

So there's my update for now. I'm trying to avoid writing that's always so sad, so sorry for being a bummer. Please know how grateful I am for all of you and how much I appreciate your kind words and thoughts. :)

Matters of the Heart

Anyone watch How I Met Your Mother last night? Bueller? Bueller? A show that can make me laugh even if I've seen the episode 100 times. Well, last night really pissed me off. *Spoiler Alert* There is a countdown throughout the entire episode but you have no idea what it's counting down to. When the numbers finally reach 1, we discover that Marshal's dad has abruptly died of a heart attack. My dad has cancer, not a heart problem. Nonetheless, my favorite show made my break down into tears. Hence the pissed off mood.

Mom called this morning at 7:30. My dad's Calcium levels are through the roof and without proper procedures- it will cause a heart attack. Isn't it ironic...don't ya think?

Every time my dad has gotten really really scary in the past it usually meant one thing- he was or needed to be in the hospital. Today is no exception. He gets angry, he screams, he gets furious and tells us he doesn't want us around. I think it's a pride thing. It never occurred to me that maybe in all those years he was scared. This time, I know for a fact, he's scared that the hospital will be his very own Hotel California. Not gonna lie, this is the first time we're scared of that too.

My dad used to yell at my mom for spending too much money when we didn't have it. The other day she was crying and told me she just wants him to get angry because it'd be like he was himself. She laughed when I told her today to be careful what she wishes for. Her laugh was followed by my dad yelling in the background about how he wanted to go home. (Yes, I realize we're a yelling family. What of it?)

Papa is coming home from Florida, but they still don't want me there yet. Not yet. What a horrible place to be. Not there. So I know that when that call does come through, it will be time to say goodbye. All because they don't want me there yet...

To the Stage...

*Disclaimer- for the yentas- if you feel the need to comment, then do so HERE. My mom doesn't need the phone calls.


Stage left? Stage right? Stage 4. Stage 4 and the show will be closing in 10-14 months.

My dad called and didn't start to cry until he said how much time left he's been given. He's doesn't want me to come home. Not yet. "it isn't time yet..." he said. The "yet" just kinda dropped off.

The last 2 weeks have been a constant roller coaster of emotion. I'm up, down, high, low, rolling in circles. How am I supposed to act? I've cried every day for the last 17 days. I'm trying to be strong for him, but let's face it- I'm not that good an actress, and we all know what's going on.

I can't get that damn Aerosmith song out of my head. I started hearing it the minute we hung up the phone. "I don't want to close my eyes. I don't want to fall asleep cause I'd miss you, and I don't want to miss a thing." He kept saying that he's going to miss our weddings, his grand kids, etc. All these huge events that would be so much better if he is able to share them.

We've seen documentaries and read books about beating terminal cancer with an organic diet and vitamins. I actually do believe in this and I will continue to spread the gospel if it means that I get my dad for longer. I can't stop from being scared and skeptical though, even if it's only for a minute.

Everything is so final. When I left my dad on Monday and came back here I made sure I kissed him and told him I loved him because I didn't know when I would be able to again. Every time I see him now it will be like that and that's not how it should be. For once, I don't want people to say "live each moment like it's your last." Fuck that. It's too soon to be the last. There's way to much to live for.

On a lighter note...

I thought it might be good to step away from the serious for a minute.

I saw Black Swan the other day with Natalie Portmand and Mila Kunis. Excellent movie, go see it. Yes, I know it's about ballet but trust me- there's something in it for the boys too. Natalie Portman has like 10 movies out right now. I'm uber impressed with this little chosen one. After seeing Black Swan (and sleeping with the light on because I thought something may jump out at me) I started to think about some of her more lighthearted work. So...I present to you- The SNL Natalie Portman Rap. May want to turn the volume down and take the kiddies out of the room. Enjoy :)