I have been feeling rather nostalgic lately so I went through some old posts I had written in my original blog "kissing fool" which was my weekly dating diatribe about the horrific stories I had encountered. Damn, I was funny when I was single! :p
It was great to go back and reread things from my past, but it also disappointed me that I hadn't written anything worthwhile in such a long time. When my dad was sick I would only write sad and bitter stories about what I was going through. Don't get me wrong, I needed it to get through my feelings, but I hadn't written anything since. And i consider myself to be a decent writer.
Time has passed and I'm ready to be witty again.
So where are we now? Well, I turned 30 and lived to talk about it, I found a job I actually don't mind waking up for, and I got engaged. Lots of craziness but in some great ways.
As I think about how this blog started as my observations about uprooting my life from The Windy City of Chicago to The Emerald City of Seattle, to mourning the loss of a loved one, to now dealing with the trials and tribulations of planning a wedding, I think we're getting t be back on the right track.
So, I welcome people back with open arms and promise to have something wrothwhile to read and not make you want to jump off a cliff. promise! :)
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Mama Who Bore Me (reprise)
I wrote a blog awhile back called "Mama Who Bore Me" named after a song from Spring Awakening. The blog was about my estimating my relationship with my mother becoming nonexistent after my dad died. My mom read it after it was posted, screamed, called me evil and demanded I take the slander down.
Damn I wish I had it, because turns out that I can predict the future. How cool is that?!
Here's a rundown of my mom's grand gestures over the last 8 months-
1.Two months after my dad dies, my mom calls and tells me she's relieved dad is gone (not because he isn't suffering anymore but because she can do whatever she wants now). I cry in silence on the phone while she talks to her heartbroken daughter like a girlfriend
2. I call my mom and tell her I'm depressed and miss my dad. She abruptly shrugs off my feelings and suggests a shrink. Conversation has ended.
3. I plan a trip home for a friends wedding. My mom says she will plan my dad's stone dedication for the weekend I am home so I don't miss it (Jewish tradition for anyone scratching their head)
4. A month later my aunt tells me the stone dedication is actually moved to three weeks after my trip and is surprised no one told me.
5. I call my mom to ask her about the stone dedication date confusion. She said it didn't occur to her to tell me the date was changed even though I live 2000 miles away and cant afford a plane ticket. She also tells me that its "a short 10 minute ceremony, you wont miss anything." wont miss anything...except a tradition for my dead father, but hey, no biggie
6. I come home for the wedding. My mom tells me she took off 5 days from work so she can spend time with me. She even wants to stay with me at my hotel so we can hang out.
a. she doesn't stay at the hotel. Picks me up without an overnight bag
b. at dinner with the family she brags (in front of my dad's dad) about her new bikini wax (WTF)
c. tells me I can't stay at her house the day I intended because she was going out on a date so she wouldn't be home
d. mom offers Sunday brunch instead
1. mom bails on brunch. She was out too late the night before and overslept.
7. My mom planned a vacation to Florida (She's never been to Seattle. She's been invited)
8. Maybe this part is totally selfish of me, but she got a life insurance policy and bought a new car and is going out every night. My sister and I haven't been offered a dime. I start my new second job tomorrow.
It goes on and on, but you can't change anyone who doesn't want to be changed. The only thing I asked when my dad died was that she wouldn't forget to call me. She can't even see me when I'm right in front of her, how can I expect a relationship with her? Can a 28 year old be an orphan?
Damn I wish I had it, because turns out that I can predict the future. How cool is that?!
Here's a rundown of my mom's grand gestures over the last 8 months-
1.Two months after my dad dies, my mom calls and tells me she's relieved dad is gone (not because he isn't suffering anymore but because she can do whatever she wants now). I cry in silence on the phone while she talks to her heartbroken daughter like a girlfriend
2. I call my mom and tell her I'm depressed and miss my dad. She abruptly shrugs off my feelings and suggests a shrink. Conversation has ended.
3. I plan a trip home for a friends wedding. My mom says she will plan my dad's stone dedication for the weekend I am home so I don't miss it (Jewish tradition for anyone scratching their head)
4. A month later my aunt tells me the stone dedication is actually moved to three weeks after my trip and is surprised no one told me.
5. I call my mom to ask her about the stone dedication date confusion. She said it didn't occur to her to tell me the date was changed even though I live 2000 miles away and cant afford a plane ticket. She also tells me that its "a short 10 minute ceremony, you wont miss anything." wont miss anything...except a tradition for my dead father, but hey, no biggie
6. I come home for the wedding. My mom tells me she took off 5 days from work so she can spend time with me. She even wants to stay with me at my hotel so we can hang out.
a. she doesn't stay at the hotel. Picks me up without an overnight bag
b. at dinner with the family she brags (in front of my dad's dad) about her new bikini wax (WTF)
c. tells me I can't stay at her house the day I intended because she was going out on a date so she wouldn't be home
d. mom offers Sunday brunch instead
1. mom bails on brunch. She was out too late the night before and overslept.
7. My mom planned a vacation to Florida (She's never been to Seattle. She's been invited)
8. Maybe this part is totally selfish of me, but she got a life insurance policy and bought a new car and is going out every night. My sister and I haven't been offered a dime. I start my new second job tomorrow.
It goes on and on, but you can't change anyone who doesn't want to be changed. The only thing I asked when my dad died was that she wouldn't forget to call me. She can't even see me when I'm right in front of her, how can I expect a relationship with her? Can a 28 year old be an orphan?
Monday, May 23, 2011
Drafts from the Past
So I've been back in Chicago for four days now. I've seen my office and I've seen the hospital. I go back and fourth. There are seven hours in between spent tossing and turning in Katie's spare bedroom. I'm very grateful I have a bed to sleep in as opposed to a couch.
There is a HUGE amount of sadness and unknown. My dad has been back in the hospital for about 3 weeks. He's tiny and in pain. He began using oxygen yesterday to help with his shortness of breath. He is terrified and there's nothing I can do help him. I feel so hopeless and horrible. He told me yesterday that it's just not the same now that I don't live here anymore. Without him intending to, he made me feel like I'm to blame. I understand what he means, I just feel guilty.
I take the night shift now at the hospital with him. I go straight from work and stay with him until he basically kicks me out. We're starting to get the routine down. He'll go through about three rounds of trying to finish his dinner, we'll watch some tv, and we'll talk. I also know how he likes his bedside table set up. Everything has it's place and it changes depending on the time of night. He jokes that he's a little OCD. When he get's worried that I'm getting scared he just starts to smile at me. I smile back and tell him I'm fine, just worried about him.
There is a HUGE amount of sadness and unknown. My dad has been back in the hospital for about 3 weeks. He's tiny and in pain. He began using oxygen yesterday to help with his shortness of breath. He is terrified and there's nothing I can do help him. I feel so hopeless and horrible. He told me yesterday that it's just not the same now that I don't live here anymore. Without him intending to, he made me feel like I'm to blame. I understand what he means, I just feel guilty.
I take the night shift now at the hospital with him. I go straight from work and stay with him until he basically kicks me out. We're starting to get the routine down. He'll go through about three rounds of trying to finish his dinner, we'll watch some tv, and we'll talk. I also know how he likes his bedside table set up. Everything has it's place and it changes depending on the time of night. He jokes that he's a little OCD. When he get's worried that I'm getting scared he just starts to smile at me. I smile back and tell him I'm fine, just worried about him.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Blackbird
Anyone in the room bipolar? No? Well, let me throw a hypothetical out there. Do you think that someone who has experienced bipolar-like symptoms could possibly have those symptoms heightened by a tragic event, like, oh i don't know...a death perhaps? I'm going to go with a "yes" on the one and Web MD myself with a good old diagnosis.
I called my grandpa last week and asked him why people always tell you that "you need to grieve." What does that mean exactly? I told my grandpa that I thought I was doing it all wrong. Do i sit around all day starring at the wall making myself sadder that my dad isn't here anymore? Up until now I would have said no, however...I broke down in the back room at the Gap today for a good 45 minutes. It would've been longer but they told me to go home and take a few weeks off. I don't really break down much, and after tonight, I finally figured out why. I haven't been alone. (*light bulb*) Since I got back from Chicago I have thrown myself into TWO jobs and while I may be alone in a room at my apartment, I am never fully alone. I knew that no one was in the back room at the Gap, ergo, no one would check on me. I can't just let it out at home without Casey or the dog coming in.
Losing my dad has caused a huge mixed bag of emotions. When I cried tonight, I almost felt like if I cried hard enough, he'd call and apologize for playing such a mean prank on me and he'd never hurt me like that again. He never called...
Ever see that show Mike and Molly? No? I don't blame you, the intro annoys me...Mike is a cop in Wicker Park (my old neighborhood in Chicago,) and Molly is a teacher for Chicago Public Schools. Last week they went to the Cubs home opener and Molly couldn't stop crying at the game because going to Cubs games was one of her favorite things to do with her dad...Ouch. (For those that may not know, my love of baseball comes from my dad signing me up for softball and us going to Cubs games together. There was this one time I took him to a game for Father's Day. It was freezing and we were so cold that we both signed up for MasterCards because they gave you a Cubs blanket for signing up. I love the picture of us both from that game. It's next to my desk...)
When I left the Gap tonight to go home I don't think it was any coincidence that the first song that came on the radio was a Beatles song...no chance in hell he didn't do that himself to tell me it will be ok, it just doesn't feel that way yet...
Side Plug* Still not to late to donate to my Relay for Life team in honor of the late, great Mark Segal :)
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11GW?px=19636563&pg=personal&fr_id=34267
I called my grandpa last week and asked him why people always tell you that "you need to grieve." What does that mean exactly? I told my grandpa that I thought I was doing it all wrong. Do i sit around all day starring at the wall making myself sadder that my dad isn't here anymore? Up until now I would have said no, however...I broke down in the back room at the Gap today for a good 45 minutes. It would've been longer but they told me to go home and take a few weeks off. I don't really break down much, and after tonight, I finally figured out why. I haven't been alone. (*light bulb*) Since I got back from Chicago I have thrown myself into TWO jobs and while I may be alone in a room at my apartment, I am never fully alone. I knew that no one was in the back room at the Gap, ergo, no one would check on me. I can't just let it out at home without Casey or the dog coming in.
Losing my dad has caused a huge mixed bag of emotions. When I cried tonight, I almost felt like if I cried hard enough, he'd call and apologize for playing such a mean prank on me and he'd never hurt me like that again. He never called...
Ever see that show Mike and Molly? No? I don't blame you, the intro annoys me...Mike is a cop in Wicker Park (my old neighborhood in Chicago,) and Molly is a teacher for Chicago Public Schools. Last week they went to the Cubs home opener and Molly couldn't stop crying at the game because going to Cubs games was one of her favorite things to do with her dad...Ouch. (For those that may not know, my love of baseball comes from my dad signing me up for softball and us going to Cubs games together. There was this one time I took him to a game for Father's Day. It was freezing and we were so cold that we both signed up for MasterCards because they gave you a Cubs blanket for signing up. I love the picture of us both from that game. It's next to my desk...)
When I left the Gap tonight to go home I don't think it was any coincidence that the first song that came on the radio was a Beatles song...no chance in hell he didn't do that himself to tell me it will be ok, it just doesn't feel that way yet...
Side Plug* Still not to late to donate to my Relay for Life team in honor of the late, great Mark Segal :)
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11GW?px=19636563&pg=personal&fr_id=34267
Monday, March 14, 2011
Untitled
I came to the hospital today to find my sister and grandma talking to a hospice nurse. When I get to my dad's room my mom is next to him crying and asking me to take over because she needs a minute to collect herself. My dad is mumbling that he doesnt have much time left. My heart is sinking.
It's just like you see in movies. Family gathers around a sick loved one and everyone cries and says their "I love yous." I stay towards the back of the crowd in and out of sobs. I don't want him to see me sad but at some moments, I just can't help it. He keeps looking at the clock. It's scary and mysterious at the same time. I wonder what he sees. Everyone is talking but I don't want to talk. I just want to do what I do. I want to write it out.
He's sleeping mostly but when he's awake he manages to look at me and give me a big grin to make sure I'm ok. I guess no matter what, you never stop being a parent. He cried a little and tells me that he'll watch over me and that he'll still be beside me when I walk down the isle. I know he's hurting, but I'm not ready to let go.
The doctor comes in and sits with us. He comes to hug me and says "I always worry about the quiet ones." At that my dad looks at me and says "strong like bull, right?" "Yes," I say. "Thats how we are." You can tell my dad is scared. He asks the doctor if it will hurt, and when he says no he looks relieved and calm. Now we sit, make him comfortable, and wait.
It seems so awful- having a doctor explain to my dad how the rest of his time will go. I still can't believe this is happening. I feel like we should be at my first softball practice. They told me to go to left field. I had never played before, so I had to ask my coach, my dad, where to go. That day keeps popping into my head and for brief slivers of time, I smile...
It's just like you see in movies. Family gathers around a sick loved one and everyone cries and says their "I love yous." I stay towards the back of the crowd in and out of sobs. I don't want him to see me sad but at some moments, I just can't help it. He keeps looking at the clock. It's scary and mysterious at the same time. I wonder what he sees. Everyone is talking but I don't want to talk. I just want to do what I do. I want to write it out.
He's sleeping mostly but when he's awake he manages to look at me and give me a big grin to make sure I'm ok. I guess no matter what, you never stop being a parent. He cried a little and tells me that he'll watch over me and that he'll still be beside me when I walk down the isle. I know he's hurting, but I'm not ready to let go.
The doctor comes in and sits with us. He comes to hug me and says "I always worry about the quiet ones." At that my dad looks at me and says "strong like bull, right?" "Yes," I say. "Thats how we are." You can tell my dad is scared. He asks the doctor if it will hurt, and when he says no he looks relieved and calm. Now we sit, make him comfortable, and wait.
It seems so awful- having a doctor explain to my dad how the rest of his time will go. I still can't believe this is happening. I feel like we should be at my first softball practice. They told me to go to left field. I had never played before, so I had to ask my coach, my dad, where to go. That day keeps popping into my head and for brief slivers of time, I smile...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
My two cents
Dear Cancer,
Since I had a spare moment at the hospital while my father is sleeping, I decided to take this time to tell you how I feel about you. Let me start in the simplest terms- FUCK YOU! You selfish asshole, I hate you. You are that bitchy cheerleader in high school that prays on the weak just so you can feel strong. Everyone hates that bitchy cheerleader too. You take and take and take yet are never satisfied. You knock people down when they least expect it. You ruin lives and destroy families. I repeat- FUCK YOU! You are the reason my dad has been in the hospital for weeks, you are the reason he hurts. You have taken an innocent person and changed him. It is now my misson to make sure that you never hurt anyone else again. I will destroy you and I will not stop until I do...
Since I had a spare moment at the hospital while my father is sleeping, I decided to take this time to tell you how I feel about you. Let me start in the simplest terms- FUCK YOU! You selfish asshole, I hate you. You are that bitchy cheerleader in high school that prays on the weak just so you can feel strong. Everyone hates that bitchy cheerleader too. You take and take and take yet are never satisfied. You knock people down when they least expect it. You ruin lives and destroy families. I repeat- FUCK YOU! You are the reason my dad has been in the hospital for weeks, you are the reason he hurts. You have taken an innocent person and changed him. It is now my misson to make sure that you never hurt anyone else again. I will destroy you and I will not stop until I do...
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
How To Save A Life
Since I'm not able to be with him in Chicago, I still want to do everything I can to help. I have signed up for the May 14-15th Relay For Life in Seattle. Relay For Life is a 24 hour walk which raises money for cancer patients and cancer research. Please support me in helping to find a cure for this horrible and selfish disease. The link to my team is below. Please make a donation if you can and feel free to forward this information to anyone who would like to help.
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=905842&pg=team&fr_id=33776
Also- Casey and I have set up a website where people can purchase merchandise to support our cause as well. At least 20% of all purchases made will be donated to The America Cancer Society :)
http://www.cafepress.com/Cashforcancer
On behalf of my entire family, a huge thank you
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=905842&pg=team&fr_id=33776
Also- Casey and I have set up a website where people can purchase merchandise to support our cause as well. At least 20% of all purchases made will be donated to The America Cancer Society :)
http://www.cafepress.com/Cashforcancer
On behalf of my entire family, a huge thank you
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