Blackbird

Anyone in the room bipolar? No? Well, let me throw a hypothetical out there. Do you think that someone who has experienced bipolar-like symptoms could possibly have those symptoms heightened by a tragic event, like, oh i don't know...a death perhaps? I'm going to go with a "yes" on the one and Web MD myself with a good old diagnosis.

I called my grandpa last week and asked him why people always tell you that "you need to grieve." What does that mean exactly? I told my grandpa that I thought I was doing it all wrong. Do i sit around all day starring at the wall making myself sadder that my dad isn't here anymore? Up until now I would have said no, however...I broke down in the back room at the Gap today for a good 45 minutes. It would've been longer but they told me to go home and take a few weeks off. I don't really break down much, and after tonight, I finally figured out why. I haven't been alone. (*light bulb*) Since I got back from Chicago I have thrown myself into TWO jobs and while I may be alone in a room at my apartment, I am never fully alone. I knew that no one was in the back room at the Gap, ergo, no one would check on me. I can't just let it out at home without Casey or the dog coming in.

Losing my dad has caused a huge mixed bag of emotions. When I cried tonight, I almost felt like if I cried hard enough, he'd call and apologize for playing such a mean prank on me and he'd never hurt me like that again. He never called...

Ever see that show Mike and Molly? No? I don't blame you, the intro annoys me...Mike is a cop in Wicker Park (my old neighborhood in Chicago,) and Molly is a teacher for Chicago Public Schools. Last week they went to the Cubs home opener and Molly couldn't stop crying at the game because going to Cubs games was one of her favorite things to do with her dad...Ouch. (For those that may not know, my love of baseball comes from my dad signing me up for softball and us going to Cubs games together. There was this one time I took him to a game for Father's Day. It was freezing and we were so cold that we both signed up for MasterCards because they gave you a Cubs blanket for signing up. I love the picture of us both from that game. It's next to my desk...)

When I left the Gap tonight to go home I don't think it was any coincidence that the first song that came on the radio was a Beatles song...no chance in hell he didn't do that himself to tell me it will be ok, it just doesn't feel that way yet...

Side Plug* Still not to late to donate to my Relay for Life team in honor of the late, great Mark Segal :)

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11GW?px=19636563&pg=personal&fr_id=34267