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I came to the hospital today to find my sister and grandma talking to a hospice nurse. When I get to my dad's room my mom is next to him crying and asking me to take over because she needs a minute to collect herself. My dad is mumbling that he doesnt have much time left. My heart is sinking.

It's just like you see in movies. Family gathers around a sick loved one and everyone cries and says their "I love yous." I stay towards the back of the crowd in and out of sobs. I don't want him to see me sad but at some moments, I just can't help it. He keeps looking at the clock. It's scary and mysterious at the same time. I wonder what he sees. Everyone is talking but I don't want to talk. I just want to do what I do. I want to write it out.

He's sleeping mostly but when he's awake he manages to look at me and give me a big grin to make sure I'm ok. I guess no matter what, you never stop being a parent. He cried a little and tells me that he'll watch over me and that he'll still be beside me when I walk down the isle. I know he's hurting, but I'm not ready to let go.

The doctor comes in and sits with us. He comes to hug me and says "I always worry about the quiet ones." At that my dad looks at me and says "strong like bull, right?" "Yes," I say. "Thats how we are." You can tell my dad is scared. He asks the doctor if it will hurt, and when he says no he looks relieved and calm. Now we sit, make him comfortable, and wait.

It seems so awful- having a doctor explain to my dad how the rest of his time will go. I still can't believe this is happening. I feel like we should be at my first softball practice. They told me to go to left field. I had never played before, so I had to ask my coach, my dad, where to go. That day keeps popping into my head and for brief slivers of time, I smile...

My two cents

Dear Cancer,

Since I had a spare moment at the hospital while my father is sleeping, I decided to take this time to tell you how I feel about you. Let me start in the simplest terms- FUCK YOU! You selfish asshole, I hate you. You are that bitchy cheerleader in high school that prays on the weak just so you can feel strong. Everyone hates that bitchy cheerleader too. You take and take and take yet are never satisfied. You knock people down when they least expect it. You ruin lives and destroy families. I repeat- FUCK YOU! You are the reason my dad has been in the hospital for weeks, you are the reason he hurts. You have taken an innocent person and changed him. It is now my misson to make sure that you never hurt anyone else again. I will destroy you and I will not stop until I do...

How To Save A Life

Since I'm not able to be with him in Chicago, I still want to do everything I can to help. I have signed up for the May 14-15th Relay For Life in Seattle. Relay For Life is a 24 hour walk which raises money for cancer patients and cancer research. Please support me in helping to find a cure for this horrible and selfish disease. The link to my team is below. Please make a donation if you can and feel free to forward this information to anyone who would like to help.


http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=905842&pg=team&fr_id=33776

Also- Casey and I have set up a website where people can purchase merchandise to support our cause as well. At least 20% of all purchases made will be donated to The America Cancer Society :)

http://www.cafepress.com/Cashforcancer

On behalf of my entire family, a huge thank you