To the Stage...

*Disclaimer- for the yentas- if you feel the need to comment, then do so HERE. My mom doesn't need the phone calls.


Stage left? Stage right? Stage 4. Stage 4 and the show will be closing in 10-14 months.

My dad called and didn't start to cry until he said how much time left he's been given. He's doesn't want me to come home. Not yet. "it isn't time yet..." he said. The "yet" just kinda dropped off.

The last 2 weeks have been a constant roller coaster of emotion. I'm up, down, high, low, rolling in circles. How am I supposed to act? I've cried every day for the last 17 days. I'm trying to be strong for him, but let's face it- I'm not that good an actress, and we all know what's going on.

I can't get that damn Aerosmith song out of my head. I started hearing it the minute we hung up the phone. "I don't want to close my eyes. I don't want to fall asleep cause I'd miss you, and I don't want to miss a thing." He kept saying that he's going to miss our weddings, his grand kids, etc. All these huge events that would be so much better if he is able to share them.

We've seen documentaries and read books about beating terminal cancer with an organic diet and vitamins. I actually do believe in this and I will continue to spread the gospel if it means that I get my dad for longer. I can't stop from being scared and skeptical though, even if it's only for a minute.

Everything is so final. When I left my dad on Monday and came back here I made sure I kissed him and told him I loved him because I didn't know when I would be able to again. Every time I see him now it will be like that and that's not how it should be. For once, I don't want people to say "live each moment like it's your last." Fuck that. It's too soon to be the last. There's way to much to live for.

On a lighter note...

I thought it might be good to step away from the serious for a minute.

I saw Black Swan the other day with Natalie Portmand and Mila Kunis. Excellent movie, go see it. Yes, I know it's about ballet but trust me- there's something in it for the boys too. Natalie Portman has like 10 movies out right now. I'm uber impressed with this little chosen one. After seeing Black Swan (and sleeping with the light on because I thought something may jump out at me) I started to think about some of her more lighthearted work. So...I present to you- The SNL Natalie Portman Rap. May want to turn the volume down and take the kiddies out of the room. Enjoy :)

Editor's Note...

This blog has been great two fold. 1) I get to express everything I can't say out loud. 2) For the people who care about me and my family, it' a way to stay informed. However, a recent post of mine has been taken down due to the lines being blurred. While I appreciate everyone's concern, reading about what's going on and calling my mother and sticking your nose in where it doesnt belong are two very different things. So, I'm going to ask the yentas, (annoying gossips) out there to read what they'd like and leave it at that. My mother doesnt need your advice on parenting or your opinions. They are not welcome and shame on you for adding stress to her when it is the last thing she needs.

The whole point of a blog is that it doesnt need to be censored. You all have caused more harm than good.

The apple tree

I hope you know I am who I am today because of you. I wouldn't have it any other way. My blinding support of Chicago sports no matter how bad it gets- that's all you. My stubbornness, yet my yearning for everyone to get along. That's you. Ever since you saw Psycho in the 70's you always open the shower curtain when you're in the bathroom just in case. You never told me that you do that, but did you know that I do it to and I never knew why?

My favorite days were playing catch with you on our street and softball games when you were my coach. I loved that when I was 3 you took me to my swim classes and when i was older you taught me how to ride my bike. It was you that sewed my girl scout patches on, no one else. I like the Beatles because every weekend when we went to McDonald's for breakfast, they were always on the radio.

Remember Dr. Who and "want a jelly baby?" I may be convinced that where my obsession of Jelly Bellies comes from. Or watching Ghost Busters and making sure Slimer wasn't in my closet? You have always encouraged my creativity, my integrity, and my personality.

You have been a fighter for as long as I can remember, and this is no different. This time, I truly believe that your stubborn attitude will work in your favor. You are the peacemaker and the glue that keeps us all together. I hope you know that. I hope you know how much we love you and never have to question it.

I will fight beside you, for you, with you. Whatever it takes, because it's always been what you've done for me.

Anger

I don't think there are enough evil words to describe how furious I am. I want to kick someone in the stomach 50 times until they feel a fraction of what I'm feeling right now. I want to throw something and have it break into a thousand pieces that can never be put back together. I want to run as far away from this as I can. So far that I never existed.

I hate the doctors that dance around using big words without actually saying ANYTHING!

I hate the people closest to me who have no idea what I'm going through

I hate the 1 person I needed support from the most for not even attempting to know what I'm going through by reading this or even asking what exactly it is I feel

I hate the selfish people in this family who aren't focused on my dad but more so what everyone else can do for them instead

I hate insurance companies for not understanding their own services

I hate the suburbs because I'm stuck in this room feeling more alone than I can remember

I hate the holiday season and everyone being so fucking happy

I hate myself for discovering that I'm not as together as I had thought I was when I first got here.

I hate the world for doing this to my dad.

Out of this world and into the wild

A family name is a source of pride, no question. Families have creeds, crests, traditions, etc. Anything to basically describe who they are. Since the Seagull by name isn't known as something fierce in the animal kingdom, my family has always affectionately referred to ourselves as something else. MARS- Mark. Abbey. Riky. Sandee. (a family tradition if you will. For example- if you took the first letter of my mom and her siblings, you would get- SPERM. Sandee. Paul. Earl. Ralph. Miriam. An obvious one for 5 kids but I'm not here to judge).

It occurred to me today that maybe we've had it all wrong this whole time. Given our current state of events, (and I can't believe this didn't occur to us before) I decided that we're switching from MARS to RAMS.

A mascot if you will for our plan of attack. A ram technically is a male sheep, but a male ram is a Buck (which sounds better, lets be honest.) The ram is associated with the gods Zeus and Apollo because of its power, fearlessness, force, drive and ability to protect. The ram or Aries is also a fire sign. It was the first sign of the zodiac for it's over abundance of courage. It is the sign of the warrior and it is my dad.

My dad can't do this alone. Since a group of rams are a flock, that's what we are going to be. We are the flock that's going to kick cancers ass and take no prisoners. Together, we can get through this.

Denial

I have a 6am flight to go home tomorrow. I knew I'd come back for weddings, to visit friends, work, etc. Not once did I think I'd have to say "I'm coming home because my dad has lung cancer."

We all know that life eventually comes to death, but no one thinks about when these have the possibility of becoming real. What is this anyway? Cancer- a word that terrifies. I can't possibly be coming home because of it.

I think I was 7 the last time heard my dad cry. He's had lupus since I was little and has always been a fighter. He cried when he was telling me about what Lupus was and what it meant for our family. He cried again today when he actually said it..."I have lung cancer." Four words that are tearing my world apart just at the thought of what they could mean.

Dear Santa, please don't take my dad from me... I don't know what I'd do without him

Superman

The hardest part about moving away was not being able to be around for everything. I knew it was part of the process, but I truly felt guilty after my mom called yesterday.

My parents have been avid smokers for as long as I can remember, probably for as long as they can remember too. No matter what health risks people take- do you ever notice that they seem to think they are still invincible? My dad had been complaining of neck pain for a few weeks and finally decided to go to the doctor. X-rays showed the issues with his neck, along with a tumor in his lung. He's going back today for a cat scan, but a lung specialist has been called and the term "cancer" was thrown around.

I broke down in my kitchen yesterday screaming in between sobs that I shouldn't be here. I should be at home where I'm needed.

My dad really is an amazing person. He laughed yesterday and said he's too stubborn to get sick and that he still wants a German Shepherd and nothing will get in the way of that. I laughed back because I know how much he wants that dog. Whatever it takes.

Nothing is declared until after test results come back from his appointment today, but I'm terrified. I'm so scared that I'm going to have to lose someone who has always been a hero to me. I honestly don't know what to do except cry and write. There's nothing else I can do. I'm not the type to pray, but I just keep thinking that it isn't the right time for any of this. It's too soon for scares. There's still so much to do...