Yesterday

I dreamt last night that I was sitting in my parents basement when my dad started calling for me. I heard him, but I couldn't find him. He was saying that he loved me and that he was sorry. I kept screaming "where are you?" but he ignored what I was asking.

My alarm clock went off about then.

My dad always feels better in the morning so I thought with the time difference, it'd probably be a good time to catch him. My mom told me the other day that a strange side effects of my dad's radiation treatments are heightened emotions. I had never heard of that before, and I almost thought she was overreacting until my dad answered the phone.

The minute I said 'hello" he started crying. He said he was watching Good Morning America and they were talking about the recent shooting in Arizona. "All these horrible things are going on in the world" he sobbed. I tried to joke that I hated Good Morning America too...he didn't catch my joke. He took it seriously and it made him cry more. When he calmed down he said he was sorry that we didn't talk yesterday but with the times of treatments combined with our time difference, it made it tough. I know that he's better in the morning and I told him that's why I wanted to catch him now because it's worse at night.

"It doesn't mean I'm a bad person. I'm not. It just hurts worse at night." it killed me that my dad felt the need to honestly explain to me that he's not a bad person. He also kept apologizing for talking slow and sometimes losing his train of thought. I honestly don't think he understands that we will deal with whatever we have to. We just want him to be ok.

My mom got on the phone after so my dad could eat breakfast. We talked for maybe a minute before I heard mumbling in the background. Apparently my dad tried stirring his breakfast on the stove while the fire was on. No big deal. All I heard was my mom- " Mark, it's ok. No. No Mark, you're not an idiot. It's going to be ok."

This just isn't like him...

"Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday."

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Seattle in the summer. So beautiful

I wanted to start this by saying thank you. Over the last month there has been so much generosity shown to me and my family. We have received the most thoughtful cards in the mail, messages and phone calls and we couldn't appreciate it more.

I haven't been reaching out to many people myself, but I am so incredibly grateful that if I need anything, I have so many wonderful people to turn to. If you sent me a message that I haven't been able to respond to, please know that I am touched by your kindness. This is the hardest thing we've ever been through, and it's so comforting to know that people are thinking about us.

My dad is home from the hospital which is where he wants to be. He has started chemo and radiation and has been lucky to not feel the side effects yet other than being tired. The cancer is in his lung, liver and on his spine causing him to wear a neck brace at all times. I spoke to him yesterday to check in- his voice sounds weak from treatments, but he no longer sounds angry. He still references the bull that Casey told me to give him as his mascot through this. "We will fight this head on."

My grandma told me that while my dad was in the hospital he told the nurses who served him breakfast that he "promised his oldest daughter that he'd only eat organic." It feels good to know that while I wasn't able to talk to him, he was thinking about me. He reassured me that he's staying on the organic diet and taking the vitamin C supplements we gave him. Every little bit helps and apparently organic bacon tastes SO much better than the old kind :) I know he's doing everything he can to get through this.

So there's my update for now. I'm trying to avoid writing that's always so sad, so sorry for being a bummer. Please know how grateful I am for all of you and how much I appreciate your kind words and thoughts. :)

Matters of the Heart

Anyone watch How I Met Your Mother last night? Bueller? Bueller? A show that can make me laugh even if I've seen the episode 100 times. Well, last night really pissed me off. *Spoiler Alert* There is a countdown throughout the entire episode but you have no idea what it's counting down to. When the numbers finally reach 1, we discover that Marshal's dad has abruptly died of a heart attack. My dad has cancer, not a heart problem. Nonetheless, my favorite show made my break down into tears. Hence the pissed off mood.

Mom called this morning at 7:30. My dad's Calcium levels are through the roof and without proper procedures- it will cause a heart attack. Isn't it ironic...don't ya think?

Every time my dad has gotten really really scary in the past it usually meant one thing- he was or needed to be in the hospital. Today is no exception. He gets angry, he screams, he gets furious and tells us he doesn't want us around. I think it's a pride thing. It never occurred to me that maybe in all those years he was scared. This time, I know for a fact, he's scared that the hospital will be his very own Hotel California. Not gonna lie, this is the first time we're scared of that too.

My dad used to yell at my mom for spending too much money when we didn't have it. The other day she was crying and told me she just wants him to get angry because it'd be like he was himself. She laughed when I told her today to be careful what she wishes for. Her laugh was followed by my dad yelling in the background about how he wanted to go home. (Yes, I realize we're a yelling family. What of it?)

Papa is coming home from Florida, but they still don't want me there yet. Not yet. What a horrible place to be. Not there. So I know that when that call does come through, it will be time to say goodbye. All because they don't want me there yet...