Yesterday

I dreamt last night that I was sitting in my parents basement when my dad started calling for me. I heard him, but I couldn't find him. He was saying that he loved me and that he was sorry. I kept screaming "where are you?" but he ignored what I was asking.

My alarm clock went off about then.

My dad always feels better in the morning so I thought with the time difference, it'd probably be a good time to catch him. My mom told me the other day that a strange side effects of my dad's radiation treatments are heightened emotions. I had never heard of that before, and I almost thought she was overreacting until my dad answered the phone.

The minute I said 'hello" he started crying. He said he was watching Good Morning America and they were talking about the recent shooting in Arizona. "All these horrible things are going on in the world" he sobbed. I tried to joke that I hated Good Morning America too...he didn't catch my joke. He took it seriously and it made him cry more. When he calmed down he said he was sorry that we didn't talk yesterday but with the times of treatments combined with our time difference, it made it tough. I know that he's better in the morning and I told him that's why I wanted to catch him now because it's worse at night.

"It doesn't mean I'm a bad person. I'm not. It just hurts worse at night." it killed me that my dad felt the need to honestly explain to me that he's not a bad person. He also kept apologizing for talking slow and sometimes losing his train of thought. I honestly don't think he understands that we will deal with whatever we have to. We just want him to be ok.

My mom got on the phone after so my dad could eat breakfast. We talked for maybe a minute before I heard mumbling in the background. Apparently my dad tried stirring his breakfast on the stove while the fire was on. No big deal. All I heard was my mom- " Mark, it's ok. No. No Mark, you're not an idiot. It's going to be ok."

This just isn't like him...

"Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday."